Communication with Sue

I thought I should give Sue, as one of the Leaky admins who has come here to communicate, the same prominent space here as my own entries and Nick's comments. The following is my open letter to her from the entry "Open Letter to Sue and Doris" below, her answer to this letter, and my comment to her answer again. To make it clear who has written what, I will put Sue's words in italics, but other than that, I have not edited her words, obvioulsy:


Dear Sue
You know, my darling Sue, that whatever differences we may have had, we have sorted them out long ago. I consider you to be my friend. Maybe you have not always been certain that I am your friend - but I assure you, I am. However mad you may have been with me at times, I have never heard that you have ever badmouthed me behind my back. Ever. Whatever you had to say you said it directly to me in private pms - as you would never yell to me in public either. You are a great enough person to apologise when you think you have done wrong, and I have never ever heard that you have deliberately done anything to hurt anybody. Leaky would have been a much better place for its staff to be if the rest of the admins had taken your example in these matters to heart!

And you are aware of the fact that the Leaky News section would have sunk a long time ago if you hadn't kept it going, aren't you? I am not sure you are always given the credit or appreciation you are due over there, by the management of the site that is....... The fandom truly loves and appreciates you, though!

I say this here and now because I think that you may have been hurt and confused when so much anger and venom have been directed towards the "Leaky admins" lately - since you are sometimes included in that "admin" group too. I therefore hereby state as loud and clear as I can: Sue Upton is my friend and I have no issues with her. She is not responsible for the recent problems at Leaky described in this blog.

Here is Sue's answer of 30th of June, in the comments:
Dear Torill,
I had not known about this letter until Kimmy told me, and I have pondered on how exactly to respond, so Im sorry for the delay in responding(had the plethora of news, PotterCast stuff, and other family emergencies on top of things so Im way behind as usual) and I thank you for writing this in the first place-wow! What an amazing letter thank you!
You did of course nail my emotions and what I was feeling about all of this on the head, and I'm still amazed (and as always, impressed) with how you can see what I'm feeling inside-you are amazing on many levels but this has long impressed me. Yes indeed, I have been horribly sad, horribly upset for those who truly know me know this just was NOT what I ever wanted for Leaky, nor any of us did! truly I believe this, and because I take all of this so close to heart, all these events have torn me bit and soul, just like Tom Riddle.
I still believe to this very day the strength of the site has always been the people(ie ALL CAP PLURAL MORE THAN ONE PERSON), whether those who are still on staff or have left and the readers-we are all Potter fans and I never thought members of the website would become so disliked, have such controversy around it or that well, it would be like this. None of us did! Naive and silly perhaps, but part of me also very much wants to keep on working as hard as possible to try to improve things (and yes I actually do believe Leaky Senior Staff and a whole bunch of others honestly want to improve things, maybe not happening in the manner nor speed some may wish but i swear it's not being forgotten small comfort to some but i swear its true.)but heh other days I simply want to walk away altogether I mean just screw this, and I dont know why I get out of bed. Yes it is true, I am very conflicted at a time when it is supposed to be the best for our fandom.
I really do not want to get into commentary about others because yo u addressed such a lovely letter to me personally-hope you can understand this, and so I wish to respond solely to you.
Torill, please know I do HUGELY miss the "old days" just like Moody and Sirius reflecting on the old crowd as DD called it; I do long for what our little group had, and would very much like things to be different. I feel as if most of my playmates, Pottermates and online friends have vanished or I've simply been so freakin overwhelmed and busy Ive failed horribly and quite pitifully at maintaining the ties contact and communication to the ones I love the most. Somedays I think Kimmy is the only one who is so gosh dang bloody stubborn persistant and utterly refuses to let me slide into my turtleshell of isolation, and god bless her for that! if it were not for her, no one would know I am still here save for an occassional post or a goofball comment or giggle on pc. The rest of my friends should rightly just kick my sorry butt and I have no other words than to say Im sorry, but I am.
I was thinking the day that we got the news about the release date, and how Jo was feeling, also about how far this journey had taken me, and whether or not it was ending up in a manner and place that I would reflect on with such joy. I had always in the back of my mind rather hoped it would be our small band of Cauldron's army being together online in some mass post-reading chat, but I am not certain if that would happen or if others would welcome my presence there.
I do love my job at Leaky, and I work very hard, and am frankly very proud of all the accomplishments our entire team have achieved-past and present staff included!!!! Im sure as hell not perfect in my job, but I do try, however I am also honest and realise anyone with a bit of effort and sheer enthusiasm could easily do the same with the news, but I did appreciate your kind words, truly truly very much!
I really never ever ever ever in a million years wanted to become a "celebrity fan" and it is something I struggle daily with, for all I really wanted was for our website to continue to grow in respect love and a true appreciation of the readers and for the staff. I think of myself as being just like every one else in our fandom (yes I am sorted into the right house I think), and I bloody well know how lucky I am so I have no room to weep perhaps for the things I miss or have lost, but honestly I really wanted to and believe with my heart and soul that the fandom is for all of us-all of us. I hope that others reading these words will know that to be true, although the other day someone posted about senior staff and left my name off it, so Im not even certain if people really much notice me other than the goofball squeeing.
I think Leaky wants us to all be part of a good experience and hell yes I wish I could change things, make things better over night but I cant but again I think things can improve, hopefully it just isnt too late (i mean my love of HP isnt ending on July 21 -is yours!)
Torill, please know this: I always think with great fondness of our past communications and working together to make the forum, and while yes we did have our (few) disagreements, they were settled and I also appreciate you mentioning that as well. I still remain awed by you, same as I felt when we were always posting on the leaky comments, pre-forum days (even sharing the Cuaron love! :)) My respect for your intelligence, care, concern, and most of all heart, has not wavered one iota, no matter how things have transpired since.
I do not know what else to say in this long rambling (Torill -length ;) ) response, but I personally will always carry the laughter conversations and joy and love of Potter that brought us and all the ones Ive drifted from, together in the first place.
All best,
Sue

And this is my answer to her:
Sue - thank you so much for your lovely answer - thank you thank you for coming here and sharing your thoughts and reactions with me and everyone. It means a lot more to me than you maybe know. And of course I am totally ok with the fact that you choose not to comment on what does not concern you, but only answer my letter to you. That is all I could have hoped for or wanted, so thank you again!

Your great heart and your honesty shines through in this answer - and that does not surprise me, because you were always so real. There was never a shred of calcualation behind any of your reactions, ever.

I am so sorry that you are hurting, sorry that a predictable side-effect of telling this story of my Leaky Experiences would be to cause you pain, make you upset, sad and sorry. Because you truly love Leaky, you love the people there, you love the fandom. You have always wanted to be a part of something great and wonderful, to share, participate, contribute and then be respected, included and loved in return. And now so much conflict and dislike and corruption is happening around you at the very place you invested so much of yourself in...

I truly wish it could have been different. I, too, would have so much wanted to be able to celebrate the last launch, the final revelation of the whole plot, the whole story, together with a huge family of Leaky friends who should have had so much to celebrate and cherish and congratulate each other for. It should have been like that, it really should, and it is such a shame that it is not.

But sadly enough, I do not believe that to remain silent in order to protect you - or anyone else of the good guys like you - from hurting would have been helpful at all at this point. You say that you believe things can change, can improve for the better and that every member of the senior staff wants this - I so hope you are right! I could wish for nothing better.

I am not so sure I can share even your modest amount of optimism, though. But I do know that if there is going to be even the slightest chance of improvement, of righting what is wrong, then we have to speak up. To be silent about our experiences of wrongdoings because it may be hurtful for some to hear about them, will only enable them to continue unchecked. You can only change what you are aware of.

You could say it should have been kept "within the family" and not made public, and yes, I would have preferred that too. I originally tried to achieve something by going to the admins and the ones directly involved only - by being descreet if you will. But that had NO effect. Then I have been silent for more than a year - and that has not done anyone any good either. Now I am talking, and good people like you are hurting...

Will it help? I don't know. But at least, there is a chance that maybe things will be taken seriously now, not just swept under the carpet and retold to be only about "misunderstandings" that no one needs to address....

A small chance. But yes, perhaps. I think an important first step towards real change would be to listen carefully to the complaints and stories of those who have left. To take what they say seriously, to talk to them in all honesty in order to learn and to grow, not in order to accuse or defend or deny. But what I have seen and heard so far are only attempts at discrediting the leavers as liars and troublemakers; and a retelling of old lies. This is not giving me much hope.

But maybe you are right, maybe there is a willingness behind the scenes that we on the outside do not hear about, a willingness to look at what has happened with honesty in order to stop abusing and manipulating practices. That would be truly great. Truly great. I wish.

Finally - my darling Sue - why do you doubt whether anyone would want to include you in a huge online post-launch "reading and squeeing together" chat??? Whatever gave you that idea? I would just love to share the first experience of the book with my online friends - the more the merrier - and YOU are definitely one of my online friends! I know for a fact - and I think you know this too if you stop and consider for a moment - that so many people out there also consider you one of the good guys. You have very very many friends Sue. Whether we are "inside" or "outside" Leaky these days should not be what matters, should it?


Again - thank you for answering me, both Nick and Sue. My next instalment here, which I am now off to write, will be my open letter to Melissa.